View from the porch. Dusting and cleaning the one that I have. Evolving is an amazing experience. Last year I ventured to let my guard down and tip my toe into the waters of self-authenticity. To skin the chameleon. I knew it would be a hugely healing step forward on my personal pathway. I was completely prepared to deal with my own turmoil of being true to myself and my integrity. What I mean in this instance is that I have always had a certain level of self-awareness, but I have staunchly squelched it outwardly for the benefit of other individuals' comfort.
In 2013 my new years resolution was to tear down large self imposed walls. Self constructs of huge insurmountable hard surfaces between the ground I had been long standing on and the destination in which I hoped to travel to. My total lack of vision. Secondly, I knew I needed to build consistent and firm boundaries in fairness to myself. The same self that I would routinely place last and hauntingly devalue. This did not occur in martyrdom style, its manifestation was simply due to being my own toughest critic. Old patterns. Old agreements. It is true - there are givers and there are takers. My new belief is in seeking a balance and fairness. As the pendulum swings, for once, I will allow it to swing in my direction, in hopes of gaining a subtle fairness to myself. Letting go of old echoing agreements of selfishness vs. selflessness. No more, "If I give away enough of myself, perhaps I will be worthy" mantras.
Further down my own pathway. My self devaluation made others comfortable with my mirrored reflections. I had no preconceived warning that being true would evoke such a response.
On one hand the level of clarity was awesome and breathtaking, when all else in life had become blurry and smeared I truly felt as though I was seeing for the first time. With the fairness of balance, the change made others insecure and uncomfortable with the new me. Not a disconnect, but rather a redefine.
I am also aware that every human has their own "journey" or path that they need to walk. I have a much higher appreciation for that level of individuality now than ever before. Very few, but several of my acquaintances, chose to walk a divergent path in a far removed direction.
Initially I was surprised and somewhat hurt. But now I fully understand and have respect for their decisions. Self acceptance and self love is the single most difficult trek I have ever had to do. Fighting professional compassion fatigue (mantra from my friend the physician by trade) 'be sensitive and then let it go'. I still care. I just care in a sane well balanced fair deserving way.
IT IS ALL GOOD!!!
